God Said This is Good
a religious commentary of pretty acceptable proportions
Written by Danielle Ryer

	

	

Writer’s Note

This book takes not only religion and other sociocultural aspects of society out of context, but also how we as humans communicate with each other. My intention is to stir up some ideas for the sake of parody and satire. This story is not intended to tell the exact story of creationism, it is exaggerated greatly, taken out of context, and definitely warped. Usually, the general concept will still be there, however. Just know that no spinoff ideas are meant to be passed as fact in any way, shape, or form. I take no responsibility for any person, living or dead, existent or nonexistent, having been through any event described in this book, but as you can probably examine after reading this book. This writing is intended to be entirely hypothetical. If you, as the reader, take everything seriously, and do not have a silly side, it’s better to put this book down and read a different one. During an argument with someone online, I thought to myself, I’ll write a story, yeah… Then for a brief moment, I thought something else. No way in Hell am I ever publishing it. That said, nothing about this book is perfect. Nevertheless, I hope you find it to be entertaining.

Quotes

“God is a comedian, playing to an audience, and everyone’s afraid to laugh.”
~Voltaire (Author)
“I hate people who blame the devil for their own shortcomings and
I hate people who thank God when things go right.”
~Voltaire (Musician)
[Excerpt from song “God Thinks” by Voltaire (Musician)]

“‘Classic’ – A book which people praise but don’t read.”
~Mark Twain 

Chapter One
Misconception

On Day Undefined, God was unable to contain himself, much like many modern human beings. Since His spontaneous manifestation, God found that He was incapable of handling boredom or solitude for very long. If there were such a thing as people yet, He would not have been able to handle being abandoned, either. God based His self-worth on how many followers He had. God even heard voices – when He would hear these voices, God would occasionally get aggravated with the voices that he heard, because the voices never told God what He wanted to hear. For example, the voices might tell God things like, “No one is there for You, and no one ever will be.” These thoughts would be enough to send God into a rage.
No matter how much truth there was to the phrases that the voices were telling God, God knew he was imperfect for thinking those thoughts, although there were no sane beings for God to compare Himself to. There was nothing in the universe to speak of during the course of Day Undefined, except for Him - and the assumed infiniteness of space.
So, God realized that in order to synchronize these voices with His true feelings about Himself, God would have to seek help somehow, from somewhere, from someone…
So, God created the Holy Therapist, but not one quite in His image; He believed that His image was far too divine to be replicated, but it had to be divine enough to suit God’s psychological needs.
And so, God blinked, just as He normally did every few seconds, and thus, the Holy Therapist suddenly manifested. Could it have been a result of God’s blink? Depending on who you asked, the Holy Therapist’s manifestation could have just as easily been correlated with the blink, though there would be no other reasonable explanation other than “God was the only one at the time around to do it.” Allegedly the only one around. God also fashioned two very squishy couches. One so squishy that God managed to sink right into it – literally, even – despite God actually being made of Holy Matter and not having a physical appearance to speak of. ***
God told the Holy Therapist everything that had been on His mind lately. God spoke about the emptiness that He had felt over the span of an eternity. He also felt as if He was entirely alone and that He did not have any sort of power to change that. He also felt that He was pushing people away but did not know why, but He would fail to address that in therapy for one reason or another. ***
“God, I honestly feel the same way as you do, although my beliefs state that I’m a reflection of what you want to see.” The Holy Therapist said.
“Really? Hmm. I didn’t think of it that way. Tell me more…” God said.
“Well, I can tell you one thing. If your fantasies actually match up with reality, you’re not all that crazy, even if your fantasies happen to bother you to an extreme.” The Holy Therapist said.
“That’s pretty vague.” God said. “Care to be more specific?”
“Well, God, there’s no one for You to compare Yourself to. There’s no one around that can say for sure whether or not You are crazy, because there is nothing. There is just You and I.” The Holy Therapist said.
“I don’t get it.” God said.
“Imagine that You were afraid of heights, but You were never subjected to a great height. Would You still be fearful if You never had to subject yourself to a great height?” The Holy Therapist asked. ***
God just sat silently, tilting his head with one eyebrow raised. By this point, God was completely lost. The Holy Therapist was there, quietly awaiting God’s next response. ***
Finally, God broke the silence, asking, “What’s a height?” ***
“I figured You would know by now. Just look down.” The Holy Therapist said. “What You see down below, that’s a height.” ***
“I know what’s down there, so how does that fear apply to Me? I am not afraid of what I do know.” God said. ***
“It’s the root principle. Would you be afraid if you did not know what was there? Maybe there already is life beyond You already.” The Holy Therapist said. ***
“Well, maybe…” God said. “All I know is about what I have created.” ***
“So I assume that you are capable of fear, God.” The Holy Therapist said. ***
“I fear that anything that I may create will not listen to me.” God said. ***
“It might be true. The only way to face your fear is to confront it. Create, and allow yourself to come to terms with it if things don’t go your way.” The Holy Therapist said. “The key is to avoid having meltdowns when things get rough.” ***
“What do you mean?!” God asked. ***
“Well…the way that You react to Your thoughts, and the behaviors that result…well…they aren’t quite…healthy.” The Holy Therapist said.
“Are you saying I’m crazy?” God asked.
“I had no intention of implying that you were crazy. In fact, I basically said the opposite.” The Holy Therapist said.
“You’re crazy! There’s no way I’m crazy! I’m right and you’re wrong!” God demanded.
Are you sure you’re not projecting onto me, God, by saying this?” The Holy Therapist said. “I am supposedly You, in another form.”
God just sat there, glaring at The Holy Therapist. The Holy Therapist had a growing expression of uneasiness.
“Moving on... What can I do to foster equilibrium in my thought patterns?” God asked.
The Holy Therapist looked away for a moment, then back at God and said, “You need attention, someone who will devote their lives to you, and honestly, it sounds like you need to fill the empty voids of others--”
“Who is projecting now?” God looked straight in the eyes of The Holy Therapist.
“Hey, Buster, we’re talking about You...” The Holy Therapist said. “Besides, I charge by the minute. You are wasting precious energy matter by trying to learn about the life of someone else. No more about anyone but You, God. I say this because I care.”
God sat, listening, as The Holy Therapist continued.
“Further, maybe You should become a psychosexual therapist, and maybe you’d need to mess around a bit with Your patients. It’s not professional, but I’m sure You may still find it to be fun.” The Holy Therapist said.
“Yeah, I see what you mean. My sex life. . .” God began.
“We weren’t talking about your sex life, but I like the way you think…” The Holy Therapist said.
“Let’s do it, and not say we did.” God answered. “Let there be darkness.”
And so, after much screwing around, the aforementioned screwing around was never brought up again. However, the next therapy session revealed something new...
“God, I want you to create something in Your image. Draw it for me, right on that white board over there.” The Holy Therapist said, providing God with a Sharpie. “Just remember, it won’t come off easily, so make sure it counts.”
And so, God slowly approached the white board and sketched a huge, perfected phallic object on the white board, taking up almost the entire white board, and below the giant phallus, a row of sloppily-drawn phalli.
The Holy Therapist’s eyes widened. “God, I want you to tell me what you see in this.” The Holy Therapist said.
“I see myself. I see how I know I am. I see everyone else, everyone that is to be, in time.” God said.
“Where are you in the picture?” The Holy Therapist asked.
“I’m the dictator in this picture.” God said.
“Hm. I see.” The Holy Therapist remarked, appearing thoughtful.
“What does that mean? What do you see?!” God asked anxiously.
“Well, what does this piece mean to you? I have a few theories in mind, but I want you to tell me yours.” The Holy Therapist said.
“Well, I am the biggest dick in the picture, and everyone else? The smaller dicks. I’m the biggest penis in this picture. All of these penises are humbled by my presence, and they are so small in the overall big picture.” God said.
“Well, I knew that much,” The Holy Therapist said. “Though, does this make sense to you the way it makes sense to me?”
“I don’t know. What are you getting out of it?” God asked.
“I can tell you have a lack of balance in Your existence. You feel as if you’re the Big Man on Campus, but I wonder if you’re really just trying to relate and compare Yourself to the small dicks.” The Holy Therapist said.
“YOU DON’T GET IT – I AM SUPERIOR TO THOSE DICKS!” God shouted angrily.
“I think you may feel a lack of sexual inspiration… Let’s go back to my place again.” The Holy Therapist said.
God held his hands out, in a way that appeared that He was about to smite The Holy Therapist where The Holy Therapist sat.
“God, if we are to continue our sessions, you must agree not to smite me for anything I say to You. We are making a breakthrough, so we should not stop now.” The Holy Therapist said, shot God a mischievous look, and growled seductively.
“Fine... Of course…” God said.
And thus, the Big Bang occurred. Yes, during the time that The Holy Therapist and God were getting it on, the entire universe shook, and thus, Holy Combustion; and what’s more, a group of stars formed a planet, a place that we now call earth. Animals were spontaneously born and life roamed the earth. Trees and shrubbery emerged from the dry soil, and a light drizzle of rain and fog shrouded what would now be referred to as planet earth.
“That was the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced,” God said, referring to the sex He just had with The Holy Therapist.
“God, I have something to tell you…” The Holy Therapist said. “I think… I think I love You.”
God got up and put on His robe. His eyes widened and He slowly stepped back.
“I hoped you’d stop talking after you said, ‘I think’ – I believed that part until you finished speaking.” God said.
“And now I have something else to ask. I have yet to have yet to menstruate since I was brought into existence...” The Holy Therapist said. “Should I be concerned?”
God had then smitten the Holy Therapist, but that never made it into any history books, according to God’s Will.
An eternity had passed since the incident involving the smiting of the Holy Therapist. God realized how much he missed the sex that he was having with The Holy Therapist, so she was reincarnated as Miss Mary Magdalene, Clinical Therapist. However, God made sure to wipe Miss Mary Magdalene’s memory clean so that she would believe that she was still a virgin.
Much to God’s dismay, though, Mary was still pregnant, despite having been slain and reincarnated. But there was nothing that God could do but wait until after the birth. He did not want to kill one of his likenesses through something as ridiculous as an accidental abortion as a result of exceedingly rough sex.
On Day Zero, God created the concept of chronology, and time came into fruition. The Law of Thought also came into effect – anyone caught processing information was sentenced to an eternity in Hell. Inevitably, someone would plagiarize these concepts, and the aforementioned fact that God created The Law of Thought or the concept of chronology would no longer be a fact, but instead, something in a history book of sorts. Most humans didn’t question this, regardless of how confused they were. For the sake of their own wellbeing, it wasn’t something most people felt comfortable analyzing, under the circumstances.
Sometime later, The Holy Child was born, and He was bestowed with the name of Jesus Christ. His job was to be a metaphorical Devil’s Advocate. He hated the Devils and all sports in general so in time He grew resentful of God for the position that He was given. Eventually, He chucked his old position and simply became a cynical but loving heretic. He kept His thoughts about His Father to Himself… for the most part, one could say.
On Day One, God decided to rest for a few days… He knew He still had work to do, but he knew that it couldn’t be done in the condition that He was in.
“I’m so tired from creating the earth,” God said. “I’m going to sleep.”

Chapter Two
Dust to Dust 

When God awoke, it was the sixth day. He didn’t believe in alarm clocks and he ended up oversleeping because he was so exhausted from, well, “creating the earth.” First on God’s agenda was to create the first humans. God’s goal for these humans would be for them to repopulate the earth. They would be created to be part human, so that they would focus on reproduction, and part robot, so that they would be ready and willing to follow and carry out commands.
And, from the mud, the creation of the first male, Adam, had begun. God spent a few hours trying to assemble a mud sculpture, but He soon got pissed off and ended up using a makeshift hairdryer just to help him finish his sculpture. Maybe that’s what God would want you to think, but He just moved the sun a bit closer to speed up the process. It had a few flaws, but God simply added some scrap metal to make it acceptable.
“I’m a shiiiiny beaaaautiful floweeeer~!” Adam said, as he was born.
“Y-you’re…not a flower...!” God said, nervously.
“I can be anything I want to be! Besides, You created me from mud and spare metal parts, and I’m also very shiny.” Adam said. “Besides, I don’t appreciate that you don’t appreciate my life choice to identify as a flower. I am Your child…”
God paused for a moment, and said, “I’m just going to create a girlfriend for you now. From your ribs. Her name will be Eve.” God said.
“Wait, what?!” Adam began to panic, knowing that he was at God’s mercy.
“P.S. – This is mandatory and I’m going to have to operate overnight. Good night, Adam.” God finished.
Before Adam even had a chance to object any further, he was knocked out by a falling tree branch. God proceeded to lob off a part of Adam’s side, and thus Adam’s new girlfriend, Eve, was born.
A few hours later, God woke Adam.
“No need to worry about the bleeding, it will stop in about a day. You will survive, I guarantee it. After all, I expect you to populate the earth. So you need to be alive.” God said to Adam. “That said, don’t do anything stupid.”
Adam glanced at his side as blood gushed out. He immediately bit his lower lip, and looked at Eve. Eve was freaking out.
“Don’t give me that look!” Adam said. “This bleeding is very…uncomfortable!”
“What do you expect me to say about that?” Eve asked.
“Well, you could try to empathize with me, you know...” Adam said.
“Well, I honestly can’t say I have encountered this problem in my short life.” Eve said.
God looked down at Eve with disapproval and said, “I’m already starting to not to like you, Eve. Mother Nature will be coming for you. This is for being an asshole to Adam.”
“What does that me—OW!!” Eve said.
“Holy shit.” Adam said.
“THIS IS AGONY!” Eve shouted. “How long will these torturous pains LAST!?!”
“It will last for about one week.” God said.
Adam began to laugh at Eve’s misfortune, but then he then remembered how much he was bleeding and obligatorily said “OW!”
“You’re pissing me off, Adam!” Eve said, as her face turned bright red, grabbing a leaf and covering herself.
Adam just continued laughing.
“God! Aren’t you going to punish Adam? He’s laughing at my misfortune!” Eve said.
“Forget it, Adam’s been through enough.” God said. “After all, he gave birth to you. You’re just going to keep making me angry with these complaints, aren’t you?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Eve said. “HERE WE GO… I can tell what’s going to come next…”
“Damn girl, don’t get ahead of yourself. After all, you just came out of my side…” Adam said. “Give it time.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking abou—” Eve began, but was interrupted by Adam’s hand over her mouth.
	Adam whispered to Eve, “Sssh. I was just putting up a front so God wouldn’t suspect anything. Let’s go fuck in the bushes. But either way, even if He finds out and kills us, we’ll both have scored so it wouldn’t really matter!”
The fact to remember about Adam and Eve were that, although they were robots built to obey God’s commands, the two were also human, with the two innate characteristics of human beings: rebellion and insatiable lust.
And without hesitation from Adam or Eve, Eve was impregnated.
After they had finished with their fling in the bushes, God found Adam and Eve wandering around.
“Adam and Eve, I would like to show you something – Eden. A paradise.” God said.
God revealed to them a beautiful orchard filled with many trees and shiny red apples. 
“I’m going to leave you here, in this apple orchard, but by no means are you to eat that one apple over there, on that tree.” God pointed to a tree in the distance. “You know which one I’m talking about – the one that is a slightly darker reddish tint to it. It is the most delicious apple in the universe, but it is my command that you do not eat it, under any circumstance, for it contains the Secrets of the Universe, information that no human is meant to know, but it is considered very valuable information about what is to come. Either of you may eat any other apple you desire, but not that one particular apple. It is absolutely forbidden. Have I made myself clear?”
Adam and Eve knew their job, they knew what they wanted to do as well: Fuck, eat apples, and not give a damn about whether or not anyone else approves of their life choices. God’s approval was always second to their wishes.
“We will not eat any forbidden apples, okay, God? We understand. Sheesh.” Adam said, groaning.
As soon as God stopped talking, Adam took his share of apples and gorged himself with them, and did not even get an opportunity to defy God’s direct orders about the forbidden fruit, before being struck with a bolt of lightning.
“Why did You do that, God?!” Adam cried.
“Thou hast indulged thyself, glutton!” God said. “Plus, you are sinning before I can even write it in as a Commandment! Don’t…don’t do that!”
God continued shocking Adam.
“G-great ZEUS…!” Adam said. “Stop shocking me…!”
And with that, Adam got hit with another lightning bolt. “I heard that, Adam! YOU!!! You shall have no Gods before ME!” God roared.
“Uh…I-I meant, G-GOOD…GOD…!” Adam said, somewhat weakly.
“Um… What even IS a Commandment…?” Eve asked.
“Adam! Don’t condescend to me, as if I were a dog of some sort! And Eve, a Commandment means that whatever I say, goes! Stop your sinning against Me THIS INSTANT!” God insisted.
“There’s just no pleasing you, is there, God…” Adam said.
“Nope.” God said.
And Adam was hit by another bolt of lightning, even stronger than the first.
Adam was breathing heavily, but was still pulling through. “Y-you… don’t want to kill your creations while Eve has yet to give birth...do you? She could be pregnant by now…”
“Yeah, so what’s that have to do with you, Adam?” God asked.
“Um…well, you see…didn’t you mention that killing the unborn is unholy…? And, if you kill me, by extension, you are killing the baby. I am the only living being that can help Eve surgically through the birth.” Adam said.
“Fine, I’ll wait until she gives birth. Consider yourselves lucky.” God said.
“Thank you, God…” Eve said. “We appreciate it…”
Adam’s wounds healed quickly.  However, he was a bit shook up from being shocked multiple times, but he was extremely pissed off; he didn’t even get to eat the forbidden apple before being punished, but nevertheless, he wasn’t badly injured.
Regardless, Eve was starving after watching Adam eat all of the apples, and watching someone get repeatedly injured makes a sadistic Eve very hungry. Sure, horny, too, but also very, very hungry.
A snake slithered by, but said nothing. He already knew what the couple was going to do, and he had his work cut out for him. The snake smiled and went on its way without a single word.
Eve, requiring sustenance for both herself and her unborn child, took the first bite of the forbidden apple. It was delicious. Eve’s mind filled with culturally relevant information for the modern day and beyond.
God came back down to earth and said, “YOU, EVE! You deliberately and directly disobeyed My direct orders! I am furious, and I am this close to sending you to Hell!”
“What is the good of saying of saying something like that if we can’t see Your hand motions anyway?” Adam asked.
“But God,” Eve said meekly, “I was about to keel over from hunger. As Adam said, I am indeed pregnant. And if I were to be damned, what would become of my unborn child…?”
“SILENCE!” God roared.
	Just then, Eve’s baby popped out.
	“THERE YOU GO, EVE. If you sin again, you will be punished!” God said. “NOW I SENTENCE YOU TO FUCK AND MULTIPLY UNTIL YOU DIE!”
“But-but… That-will-not-be-good-for-us. We-do-not-want-to-fuck-and-disappoint-you.” The two stammered, with robotic, sarcastic voices, smiling and looking at each other periodically through speaking.
“I SAID… BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY!!!” God said, in extreme rage.
“Fiiine.” The couple said, smiling seductively at each other. 
And so, the couple fucked the day and night away. Each fuck lasted a miraculous 8 months, and, after each fuck was completed, a new child was born. Then, Adam and Eve had another celebratory fuck to welcome their children into the world. Or, that’s what their excuse was, anyway.
“Guess what? I changed my mind! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX. YOU ARE BOTH GOING TO HELL, ADAM AND EVE! I NEVER MARRIED YOU!” God insisted.
“Did you mean all of us together? You sound a lot like Eve when she’s angry, sounds like something she’d say.” Adam said. “Except you’re not really our type. We’re into some crazy stuff…”
“Though our children are now born, what is to come of them, without us there to foster them?” Eve asked, with concern in her eyes.
 “SILENCE! YOU HEARD MY WORD! NOW OBEY IT!” God roared once again, not to say it would be the last time God would roar, no, far from it.
And so, Adam and Eve were sentenced to Hell. They disappeared slowly in a shroud of smoke that snaked around them.
And so, in Hell, Eve began to complain. “What a rip that was… I don’t even feel any different after eating that apple,” Eve said. “It’s like I know all the Secrets of the Universe, which, in all honesty, were not very well-hidden, and I still don’t feel as if I know anything worth knowing.”
With their parents sentenced to Hell, Adam and Eve’s children grew up and eventually began to kill each other. A couple of them attempted to repopulate the earth, but it just didn’t work out that way when God finally noticed what was going on with His creations. Sex has always been evil, why else would God have created both such defiant and lustful humans?

Chapter Three
You Can Stand Under My Umbrella (Whoops, My Bad)

Some generations later, God realized how much of a mistake it was to create humanity, and therefore, wanted to cover up what He screwed up, so He searched for help in any way he could. 
A man named Noah was gazing at the clouds as he nearly was blinded by a radiant light.
“Are you there, Noah? It’s Me, God.” God said.
“Yes? Who is there?” Noah said.
“God. But you already knew that.” God said.
“Uh, yes, of course. Yes, hi, hello. How are you?” Noah said.
“Well, I’m pretty ANGRY today!” God said.
“Why, God? What happened? Do you want to talk about it?” Noah asked.
“Not really.” God said.
“Tch… Come on, you called me to say you were angry… and now you’re saying you don’t want to talk about it? Please God, just talk about it. If you hold onto anger, you’re not a loving God.” Noah said.
“Fine… I’ll talk about it...” God said.
“I’m listening, God. I’m not trying to intrude on your personal business, I just want to know the real reason you called.” Noah said.
“I’m incredibly aggravated after what all of My creations have done lately. I am starting to regret my decision of creating them…what should I do?” God asked.
“I don’t know. You should be more independent and not accept so much feedback from people. I’m here to listen to you, not to judge.” Noah said.
“Fine. Listen, I want to destroy all the humans on earth, except you and your family. And I want you to help me.” God said.
“Okay…I’m not so sure about this. First, I have to make sure that’s really you. What if this is a prank? It doesn’t seem like something you’d say or do. Say something only you would say.” Noah said.
“I-I-I-I’m not sure. Can you tell me what I should do?” God stammered. “I just figured that you can help me do my dirty work…”
“Fair enough, that’s the God I know. Um… What exactly can or should I do to help you?” Noah said.
“Hm. Build a giant boat and house two of every animal, male and female, on that boat. Don’t forget about your family either. There’s going to be a flood sometime in the near future.” God said.
“Well, God? I feel as if there may be another way we can accomplish cleansing of the filth on earth. We don’t need to use metaphors in their literal sense, right? Right…?!” Noah said.
“Oh, no. I am being completely serious! I’m going to be flooding the earth shortly. I have to go now. Get your ass in gear and start building that boat!” God said, as the light in the sky disappeared.
“God? God? Are you still there God? God, the hardware store is closed! God!!” Noah started to panic a little, crossing his arms. “Fuuuck. Whyyy couldn’t I have been Buddhiiiist? I wish God could have given me some help, perhaps a hacksaw or something… that would have been nice…”
Just then, a branch fell on Noah’s head.
“OUCH! … I guess God heard me.” Noah said.
And so, Noah began building the ark with the branch as a hacksaw. It kept burning up, so he had to lie to God and use plastic and superglue to build the boat. Not much later, Noah had finished building the gigantic ship to house two of every animal ever discovered on earth, including everyone in Noah’s family. Noah went on a few-hour expedition to discover every animal that existed at the time, and those that have not been discovered by scientists would have never been spoken of again.
“How am I going to find enough food to eat? Can we really house every species of animal that exists in the universe?” Noah asked, directing his eyes to the sky.
There was no answer.
“Great, it’s like God only calls people when he needs something, right? Some God He is. He never asks, ‘Hey, how are you doing, Noah?’ or ‘Is everything going well with your family, Noah?’ God’s never done a blessed thing for me. This is a load of crap...” Noah said under his breath.
“I heard that. Just for that, I refuse to help you.” God said.
“Thanks, I was doing just fine without your help anyway, God! I’ll figure out how to get food for everyone by myself!!” Noah said.
And so, Noah rounded up one of every animal, and in between each mauling from the gorillas, put them all in cages and tried to prevent them from having sex and overpopulating the boat as best as he could. Nothing he tried worked. He was very close to castrating them, but that would ultimately defeat the purpose of what he was setting out to do in the long run.
In the little time that Noah was working, it conditioned him to be an expert crocodile wrestler and veterinarian.
Just as Noah was rounding up the last of the animals, his wife noticed the enormous plastic ship in the backyard.
“What in the world is THAT?!” Noah’s wife asked.
“…It’s an… Ark.” Noah said.
“I know that! Why do we have an Ark in our backyard?!” Noah’s wife said.
“God told me there’s going to be a flood in a matter of days, one that will last for over a year, wipe out the entire earth, and we have to get out of here and onto that boat before the flood occurs.” Noah said.
Anyone with sanity would say, ‘Oh, ok. Let’s get on the boat, and make sure we don’t drown.’ The only one to actually say “Oh, ok. Let’s get on the boat and make sure we don’t drown,” was actually one of Noah’s children.
Noah’s child was reprimanded by Noah’s wife for “talking back,” however. No one likes smart children, especially not intelligent smart children.
Noah’s wife did not believe that God could keep His promises. Besides that, Noah’s wife had just made cookies for a charity bake sale and knew that the cookies would be ruined if the flood was sure to hit, and she didn’t want them to go to waste. Noah tried to figure out how to solve the problem regarding the cookies going to waste, to assure that she would not have a meltdown over the waste. Noah he ended up sticking the tray up to his face, practically unhinging his jaw, and devouring all the cookies in an intense display of gluttony. God just ignored the obvious sinning that Noah was doing. God knew how good cookies were and did not judge Noah for that.
“Alright, you made your point, Noah. Let’s go.” Noah’s wife said, as she stepped on the boat. “Besides, we haven’t left home for a while. It could be romantic,” she began, until she saw a giant cockroach, and stomped on it. “Or maybe not, but I’ll go with you anyway, because I love you.”
“Honey, don’t step on any of the bugs!! Now I have to go back to where I found them and get another one… Geez, what a pain... Watch the rest of the family until I get back.” Noah said.
And so, Noah walked for roughly three minutes and twenty-five seconds, and came back with a strange-looking cockroach. It had double the amount of legs that a cockroach should have, but he thought, eh, it would do.
On the boat, each animal had proper accommodations, but some didn’t make the trip for one reason or another. Some of the animals couldn’t stand each other’s faces, so some of them ended up biting each other’s faces off. Though, none of them died from the extremes of weather. Additionally, for some reason, none of them had procreated in that time; they all held in the fact they were horny until they got off the ark, and then they all screwed each other until the earth was repopulated with different animals, and eventually, somewhere along the line, a bunch of strange-looking animals had sex, and somewhere along the line, more human babies were born.
As for the bugs, they all avoided dying somehow, as well. Even the flies managed to escape death, miraculously defying their own maximum life span, by several fold, at the very least. It was a miracle that, while the ark was afloat, they never hit a mountain and nothing whatsoever went the way of Titanic, but miracles are miracles are miracles...
Though some of the animals didn’t make it back and became extinct, Noah noticed that God made a beautiful rainbow. It somehow made him feel slightly better about not saving everyone on the planet, good or bad, that had drowned in the heavenly flood over the past forty days or so…

Chapter Four
Good Housekeeping

After the slaughter of many through the events in the flood, Noah had a great idea. He headed out for a night of heavy drinking, and ended the night in his tent, face down, naked. When Noah woke up, he didn’t remember how he got back in his tent, but he saw a male prostitute walking off the Ark, called him over, and began having sex with him. Before long, they heard footsteps from outside of the tent, and so the male prostitute hid in between the folds of the tent.
Sometime later, Ham, one of Noah’s sons, decided it would be a good idea to go in his father’s tent. However, Ham freaked out when he saw his dad passed out, naked, apparently inebriated.
“Stupid dad and his damned drinking habits! Now I have to stand here and keep everyone else from seeing him like this!” Ham said. “Figures I would get stuck with this! Again! I’m just going to tell Shem and Japeth to deal with this...”
After Ham told the full story of how he caught his father drunk and naked, Ham’s brothers, Shem and Japeth, walked into their father’s tent. Talented as they were, they were able to cover their father without even looking at him. By the time they were done, Noah was practically drowning in twigs; his entire tent was filled with them, Noah was thoroughly covered.
As soon as Shem and Japeth went out of sight, the male prostitute tried to help Noah out with the problem, strictly the stick problem he was having. This angered God, because He was told he should hate fags and regard them as sinful. Some people prayed, hoping to bring about the extinction of all fags, so God felt obligated to answer the prayers.
God didn’t regard it as a problematic to extinguish some fags, because fags were not any different from the general person; eventually, they all shrivel up and return to the earth someday, in some way, anyway.
So, God in heaven set a fag on fire, put it in his mouth for a moment – the ‘wrong way’ at first – and then threw that darn cigarette at Noah’s tent. God told Noah of his hatred of fags, and that all fags in Noah’s tent will be burned, and decreed that no fags may lay inside of that tent again, as it was made unclean by the sole fact that fags were in there.
And so, Noah and the male prostitute stepped out of the tent, allowed God to burn it, replaced the tent, zipped up the new tent, and went right back to having sex. They agreed it was rather dirty in that last tent and likely to be hazardous if they continued having sex in a smoking, dirty tent.
This turned out for the best, because all the sinful fags in Noah’s tent were burned and Noah and the male prostitute were free from the stick issues they were having.
Turns out, God just likes things to be clean and it didn’t matter to him if someone was a homosexual or not. He was just confused about what it meant to be a fag. Who wouldn’t hate a useless bundle of sticks?

Chapter Five
Rebel Yelling

Sometime later, as an adult, Jesus talked to God, and questioned everything he had seen of God’s work in Creation.
“God, why have you forsaken us by allowing wars to begin and leaving children on the street to suffer? Why have you continuously allowed wars to happen? Why have you decided that Your creations have authority over what You think is the universal morality? Just, why, God, why?” Jesus asked, with tears rolling down His cheeks.
“If I do help, some of My creations may become lax or my creations will cease to care about what really matters – that I endowed everyone with the power within themselves to set things right. I don’t want to be The Bad Guy that everyone makes Me out to be. They take My Word out of context. If the people can’t agree on what they want, what am I to do about it?” God said to Jesus. “There are too many conflicts within and outside of the church...”
“I think we should allow You to decide what is right for the people, God.” Jesus told God.
“But the people – I should listen to the people –” God said, hesitantly.
“But what, God? You’re Authority, supposedly.” Jesus, tentatively.
“Do not talk back to Me, Son. I don’t like it one bit.” God, firmly.
“God, I’m just trying to hear your side. I’m NOT talking back to you!!” Jesus explained.
“Why are you being this way, Jesus?” God asked, with tears in His eyes. “You are supposed to love Me…”
“It was Your job to raise me, not for me to love You. I still love you, I don’t know why but I do. I guess it just comes with the territory of being Jesus. But I am still angry, God.” Jesus said.
“Angry? I’ll give you a reason to be angry. If you continue acting this way, I will disappear forever and I will make it seem as if it was Your fault.” God said.
“You’re not even my real dad, God, I told you this before, and this is starting to piss me off,” proclaimed Jesus.
Not long after making a scene, he stormed into His office, being as vocal as He was when Mary told Jesus she had always been a virgin. Except, Jesus was simply laughing when Mary told Him that. Jesus wasn’t laughing now. In general, though, Jesus was quite a loud fellow with many opinions, but overall He was the embodiment of Love and Acceptance. He carried the burden of everyone’s sins, including His own.
“Jesus Harold Christ-Magdalene…! Stop making such a ruckus, THIS INSTANT. I command You!” God said.
 “I don’t know if I should be intimidated that You used my middle name, or bothered by the fact that You used it in vain,” Jesus said.
“Stop talking back to Me! I already told you once, and it’s a sin to make me repeat myself!!” God roared in anger.
“Honey, he was just trying to pray, to communicate with you, he just happened to be doing it loudly. It’s not like he was committing a sin,” proclaimed Mary.
“Yeah, it’s not like I invited my boyfriend over yet. He likes to pray loudly. His favorite prayer is ‘Oh my God!!!’” said Jesus.
“I am so pissed, Mary! Shouldn’t we condemn him now!?” God said.
“Forget it, God! You know nothing about me! You may be Strength, but I am Love, and I exist to save people, not judge them. Together, we SHOULD be Love AND Strength! But we aren’t anymore and I’m done with this! I want to become a HERETIC! I DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU ANYMORE!” Jesus said.
 “YOU ARE TO ADDRESS ME AS YOUR FATHER, nothing else. And no son of mine is to become a heretic.” God said.
“Your father. Nothing else. Go ahead and condemn me, God. I don’t need you to tell me how to live my life anymore. GOODBYE!” said Jesus.
“You are invoking My ANGER! You won’t love me when I’m angry!” God said.
“I’m already pissed, okay! Just get this damned damnation over with.” Jesus said.
And then God said, “Damn it Son! Come to think of it, I can’t think of the right word to express My fury! Fuck Me, fuck My life, and fuck You, son. But don’t forget, I love You, and know that I mean every word I say with love. Now go to Hell, go straight to Your crucifix without your Last Supper. YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR ROOM IS!!”
“Does it have people like my psycho ex-girlfriend, the one that lied about being a virgin just so I would have sex with her?” Jesus asked unto God.
“NO, SON! I live in Heaven, how in My name do you think I found Mary? I chose to let her into heaven…” God said. “And now, apparently, I have to go listen to someone who tells me to hate fags. Because people who worship me have requested this, I am obligated to fulfill their wishes.” God said, shrugging.
	“Send me to Hell already. This is getting old. I just want to save people...” Jesus said, exasperated.
	And to Hell, Jesus went. 

Chapter Six
Hot and Sour Soup

	When Jesus arrived at the Lake of Fire, he looked around, with confusion across his face
“It may be just my general nonjudgmental nature, but I don’t see any bad people here so far,” Jesus said. “One thing’s for sure, it’s really hot here and I should find a way out soon before I actually die, or something.”
	Jesus searched and tried to find help. Eventually, he came across a duo of women; one short, skinny woman, one tall, moderately chubby woman.
“Who are you?” The two women said in unison.
“…It can’t be.” The taller, chubbier woman said. 
“Are you Jesus!?” asked the shorter, skinnier woman.
“Indeed I am, but who are you, My children?” Jesus asked.
	“If we’re Your children…” The shorter, skinny woman started.
“…why don’t You remember us…?” The taller, chubbier woman finished.
	“T-that’s not important… L-let’s not get into that…” Jesus stammered.
	“Anyway, I’m Shannon.” The taller woman said.
“I’m Janice.” The shorter woman added.
“What are you doing here, anyway?” Shannon asked.
	“It’s a long story. Long enough that there’s probably a book out about it. Regardless, what have you allegedly done to deserve eternal damnation, My child…?” Jesus asked.
“We’re not sure why we’re here. We just finished our Bible study, and we were driving home. We were holding hands and passed by a cemetery where a dead soldier was buried, and the Westboro Baptist Church had been shouting something in the distance…” Janice said, with a confused look on her face.
“We heard a roar from up above, and all of a sudden, before we knew it, we were here,” Shannon finished. “…And now we are in Hell. Or you could say, in…hot water.”
 “We must have taken an illegal tu-urn~…” Janice said, melodically, under her breath.
“At least we didn’t get a ticket. That would have been a disaster.” Shannon said.
“I came here by choice.” Jesus explained.
“By choice? You mean doing sinful things is a choice? I thought we were all supposedly conscious of the sins we make.” Janice said. 
“Eh, the rules change every day, don’t they?...” Shannon asked.
“Well, yeah. Last I remember, they legalized marijuana where we live. It even says in the Bible that our acts were perfectly acceptable, at any rate. ‘He who lies with a man must be stoned.’ Our gay friend Bert came over to our house, and before you knew it, we were all reciting Barack Obama’s speeches to rap.” Janice said.
“Yeah, we were all pretty fucked up that day… Though, we haven’t been sent to here for anything we’ve done, until only about an hour ago, you know, while we were driving…” Shannon said.
	“It’s alright. I still love you and accept you for who you are, even if you probably are a shitty driver.” Jesus said.
	“Well, we weren’t looking for your approval, exactly, but we appreciate that someone can accept us for who we are.” Janice said.
“We may go to Bible study, but we’re heretics.” Shannon finished.
	“I can relate… I’m a heretic, too. I don’t really believe my father is The Loving Almighty. If He were what he says he is, he wouldn’t put His creations, and His son, through so much pain… But as for me, do you not believe in me? How can you not see and hear what’s right in front of you?” Jesus said.
“Well…” Shannon began.
 “That’s easy.” Janice finished.
Janice and Shannon shut their eyes tightly and plugged their ears.
“But really. If you exist, you exist, and if this is not a dream, we can acknowledge that we’re wrong. It’s okay. Either way, it doesn’t mean we don’t want to help You help other people. We love people, too. Being a freethinker does not mean you do not have a moral code that you require yourself to follow. Besides, it is pretty hot down here in Hell, and it would be nice to get out of here as soon as we can...” Shannon said.
“Yeah.” Janice said. “From what I read of Jesus in the bible, though, He doesn’t seem to be all that bad of a guy…”
“I’ve read a lot of things about you, Jesus. Weren’t You are supposed to be on earth, saving people who weren’t really sinning to begin with?” Shannon asked. “And I don’t understand what you could have possibly done to deserve going to hell.”
	“It’s not about deserving a damnation. I don’t deserve anything. I do it all because that is what is right. It is about rebellion for the sake of what is best for humanity. Frankly, I was getting real tired of my dad’s shit about how he was trying to gain approval from everyone. I have to remedy what’s gone wrong… I figured I would do the saving where it really matters. You know, saving the people who get sent to hell for the sins that other people demanded were sins. I don’t pick the sinners, and…” Jesus said.
“Who has Divine Authority?” Shannon said.
“God does, supposedly. But he does listen to His creations; usually, much too much. If you ask his followers, probably not enough.” Jesus said.
The two girls bit their lower lips and glanced at each other for a moment.
“It’s usually pompous hate groups that try to use The Divine Name for their own protection. Meanwhile, I’m just in heaven, smoking a freaking blunt. I really, really don’t give a fuck that there are gay people that are happy out there, only that there are unhappy gay people pretending to be straight, because it’s not entirely accepted to be a gay person on earth, not quite yet.” Jesus said.
	“But what about the legitimately bad people? What are You going to do with them?” Shannon asked Jesus.
	“I can only torture so many people and still be called a saint...” Jesus said, shoulders shrugged, looking away slightly, His lips tightly pressed together.
“You are so vague, Jesus.” Shannon said.
“It’s kind of My life’s work, just a little.” Jesus replied.
“What is Your life’s work?” Shannon asked Jesus.
“Philosophy?” Jesus replied.
“What?” Janice asked.
“Exactly.” Jesus said.
“Huh.” Shannon and Janice said in unison, deeply pondering upon the complexity of what Jesus had just said to them.
“Anyway… We should be going, girls. We have a lot more people to save before we can escape from Hell.” Jesus said.
Not much later, Jesus and the two atheists found a lovely young woman sitting on a Hell Rock.
On close inspection, the crew found that the woman was reading a copy of The Holy Bible, rocking back and forth, mumbling almost incoherently. She was wearing a soldier’s uniform; her nametag read, “Lieutenant Barbara” – though, Jesus wanted to formally introduce Himself.
Jesus approached the young woman, and crouched down beside her.
“Quite the lovely lady you are,” Jesus said. “What is your name?”
“I-I’m…Barbara… Wh-who are you…?” Asked Barbara, as she nervously inched away from Jesus, almost falling off the rock that she was sitting on.
“Come on, you’re reading that Book and you have no idea who I am? Don’t deny Me.” Jesus said.
“A-a…a…uh…um…aaah… Heh…heh…help…d-dear m-m-me… It can’t be…” Barbara stammered.
The woman paused for about three seconds. Jesus stood in tentative silence until she continued speaking.
“A-are you…a-are you… from that d-death metal band, Children of Hell?...” Barbara asked.
Shannon and Janice looked at each briefly other with one eyebrow raised in confusion, and then looked back at Jesus.
“Not quite, but I’m flattered you think so. I am Jesus.” Jesus said.
“B-but…I was sure it would not happen… A-at l-l-least, not here…not now…” Barbara said.
“It is not a pleasant surprise to see me here? No need to be afraid, My child. I am here to take you away.” Jesus said.
“T-that’s w-what they all s-said…and then I got hospitalized, pumped with pills, and–” Barbara began.
“You’re mistaken. You’re not going to be institutionalized. I’m here to take you back to earth.” Jesus said.
“Y-you see…th-that is exactly wh-what I mean...” Barbara said.
“I don’t understand,” Jesus said, with a concerned look on His face. “Don’t you want to be happy?”
“Y-yes, b-but…let me e-explain.” Barbara said. “Th-the people who put me in the h-hospital…th-they knew I was n-not suffering from i-illness. Th-they kn-knew that it was b-beyond me to be f-fearful. After my visit was over, and they f-f-found the ‘p-proper’ medication to relieve m-my ‘m-mental problems,’ as they said, I left to go back to the d-dreaded…battlefield, and to experience my ‘m-mental problems’ in f-full swing.” Barbara sighed. “But w-when I was home, with my family, who w-went to heaven… A p-place in which I now h-have no h-hope to be…”
Barbara tilted her head downward and tears fell from her eyes, but evaporated before they hit the ground.
“I get it, I’m sure you were happy as a lark when you were with them, weren’t you….” Janice said.
“Yeah… You take a fish out of water and give it no route to splash to its escape back into the water; it may have never feared death at any point in its life. But now, it may begin to fear for its life; the extreme of the circumstance may cause it to fear the conception of death.” Shannon said. “But at the same time, the fish might’ve not been one to be in a constant state of fear.” Shannon said. “It could have just realized…”
“Yes…how extenuating the situation is, right? I’m sure it’s something along those lines that you must be feeling.” Janice said.
“U-unbelievable… you have not lived my life… you have never took seriously the Word of God, and yet… i-it’s like y-you somehow know e-exactly what I am feeling r-right now…” Barbara said.
“I’m sure we do, whether you believe us or not is nothing we can control, though,” Shannon said. “Bear in mind, though, not for the same reasons you would think we’d be anxious. We did accept ourselves wholeheartedly, but…well…”
“Neither of us felt any sort of anxiety until, well, long after we came out,” Janice said.
 “Janice and I were six when we came out. We didn’t even know what being gay was, much less that we were expected to like men solely on account of our feminine bodies, we just knew what we felt for each other – a deep sense of care and affection. We’ve been together ever since,” Shannon said.
“We went our own way completely since then, and although we now know that it is not entirely accepted for us to be lesbians, we still are, because we’re in love.” Janice said.
 “We’ve been beaten, our lives have been threatened, but in the end, we still remained who we were. No matter what they did to us, we couldn’t and wouldn’t change who we fundamentally were; but we still feared the next time that we crossed paths with a bigot. If there were no bigots in the world, though, we wouldn’t be so scared. So, is it us being fearful, or fearing the bigots in the world?” Shannon said.
“It’s just the way the world is. It’s a big, scary place. I love the world, flawed as it is, but I can understand why you’d be hesitant about going back there.” Shannon said. “Though, in time, I hope you learn to trust us. We care, and we still want what’s best for you.”
“Yes, all of us do, we all want the best for you. I love all of you, and none of you are worthy of spending an eternity here.” Jesus said.
“B-but I-I still d-don’t want to go b-back… not th-there… not earth… not again… never again…” Barbara said.
Barbara began to loop the phrase, “not again, never again,” until Jesus cut her off and said, “Here, take this.”
Jesus handed Barbara some Holy Water. “This should help you clear your thoughts and calm your mind, My child. Now, when you finish that Vial of Blessed Water, please speak your mind and clarify. Tell me first, though, why were you sentenced to damnation?”
“I understand why I was sent here.” Barbara said. “But that does not mean I do not deeply regret the situation I was placed in. I don’t regret killing one to potentially save thousands; I don’t regret the fact I was saving others from the same fate. I know ‘thou shalt not kill,’ it’s in the Good Book. I have killed, even though it was to protect others… The world, and God, does not understand that I’m not a killer, though I am responsible for many casualties... I follow God’s word, and if I am to spend the rest of eternity here, it must be for a valid reason.”
“…Do you think you deserve to be in Hell for an eternity?” Jesus asked. “You put your own life on hold, and then sacrificed everything for people that you probably have never met.”
“No, but someone like me has not done enough to deserve a place in Heaven.” Barbara said.
“Who said so? You? There are so many people that believe they should be in Heaven, but truly do not belong there, no matter what they actually think.” Jesus said.
“Maybe, just maybe, it would be helpful if I stayed here, if I must be somewhere – where I can read this book, console others about their damnation – just or unjust – and not be concerned about mine – because why not be at peace if it’s something that already happened and that cannot be changed? Though, I do not like it, I have to resign myself to getting used to it.” Barbara said. “Although I would not have anything to gain from it, I could help others rest in peace.”
“But…it’s people like you that give me hope for peace in the world. If more people like you were out there, there would be less people for my girlfriend and I to fear. If more people like you were out there, helping others the way you do, the world would be a much better place.” Shannon said.
“I very much agree, my love.” Janice said.
“The world is a broken place. Maybe I shouldn’t go back.” Barbara said.
“The living world may indeed be broken. If we don’t save it, who will? If we leave it up to the next person, we may as well resign to being part of the problem.” Jesus said.
“I suppose you’re right.” Barbara said.
“Thank you, My child. Will you come with us and help make the world a better place? You know, just because I may be The Son, but anyone can help others. You, I, anyone can lend a helping hand to change the world. We may be drops of water attempting to form an ocean, but every drop of water is significant. We need everyone we can find to help us, so we can become that ocean.” Jesus said. “We have other people to save. Will you please come with us?”
“Okay. If you think that is the right thing to do, I will go with you. My life’s mission has always been to help others.”
After a bit of time had passed, Jesus and the two women found a naked young duo, casually swimming in The Scorching Lake, held by chains, under the shade of a large Hell tree that the average person could swear looked like it had a winking face on it.
“Let me guess...” Jesus began. “You’re Adam, and you’re Eve? I remember you.”
“Yes.” Adam said.
“Okay. Adam and Eve, remind us why are you in Hell, again? I forget why. I don’t remember agreeing with the reason you were damned.”
“We stole some forbidden fruit, and God got mad, at that point. I don’t know why, it was just an ordinary apple. It did feel like I had taken Viagra, though. We had sex. We weren’t married, though. We’re rebels!” Adam said.
“That’s both irrelevant and not very rebellious in my view,” Jesus said. “Well, maybe to God’s standards, but it wouldn’t be rebellion if you asked me. I would have let you take that forbidden fruit, because I don’t believe secrets should be kept, and humans should be entitled to understand the universe, and God shouldn’t be keeping secrets. Also, I don’t mind you having sex, even before marriage. I don’t know who wrote that, but it’s not like I’ve ever been married before…”
“That pisses me off. We were being rebels, forget your approval!” Adam said.
“Calm down,” said Eve. “Thank you, Jesus. It means a lot that you approve of our relationship.”
“No problem. It really doesn’t matter if you’re having sex, just as long as no one gets hurt.”
“Umm…” Adam and Eve said in unison as they looked at each other for a moment and blushed.
“What is it, My children?” Jesus asked.
“Never mind!!...” Adam and Eve said, still blushing, but now sweating.
“Okey dokey then.” Jesus said.
Adam and Eve looked relieved at that point.
“Hmm,” said Jesus. “Shall we move on to help others?”
“Yes,” everyone agreed.
The five kept walking, Adam and Eve picking up some dead leaves to politely hide their nudity as they escaped from the Lake of Lava. When Adam and Eve came out of the lakes, they looked much like charred steaks, but they never complained how scorching The Fire Lake was. They just grabbed some more dead leaves and dried themselves off. 
“I have a question for you both, Adam and Eve.” Jesus said. “Why didn’t the Scorching Lake hurt you at all? It is allegedly more than any mortal can tolerate...” Eve said.
“All the scars are within us, emotional. It wasn’t The Lake that burned us. We trusted God to steer us right. He failed us, but we failed him, too. We are only mortals so we do not know The Way, and we aren’t sure that The Way can be understood by reading a book. We’re not by any stretch agnostic, atheist, or anything of the sort. We are full-blown believers in our God as The Almighty. We are fully aware that we were created by none other than God himself.” Eve explained “Or, at least, I, myself am aware...”
“I guess I do. He spoke to us, personally,” Adam said. “We may be here now, but we wish we were not.”
“Do you feel remorse for what you have done? To defy what you have been told by God Himself?” Barbara asked.
“Well, honestly… No, I don’t think we did wrong by God. I feel that if that forbidden Apple, indeed, had the Secrets of the Universe, and genuinely so, then we could have done a lot more with our lives.” Eve said.
“Honestly, that’s exactly the answer I had wanted to hear from you both.” Jesus said, smiling at Adam and Eve.
“Well, maybe. If I could do it over again, maybe I’d have asked God for an ordinary apple that did not contain The Secrets of the Universe. But I guess Hell is a jail that doesn’t allow anyone to repent for what they’ve done, whether or not they knew it was a sin. With the Knowledge of the Universe, I know that much.” Eve said. “I also know that Snooki from MTV’s Jersey Shore’s real name is Nicole. That’s basically the gist of my knowledge. It’s pretty much a big waste of brain space…”
“I’ve said it before – the rules change daily. I’ve read about it in my Bible study, where God made up a rule as soon as you guys did it with each other that you weren’t allowed to do it before you get married. And yet, he created you, unmarried, and didn’t bother to marry you to each other.” Shannon said.
“I’m really stressed right now, all this saving… I could really use a smoke right now,” Jesus said. “Does anyone have a blunt?”
“I do not smoke.” Eve said.
“I smoke, but only after sex.” Adam said.
“Stop it! You do not...” Eve said. “And another thing, stop quoting pop cultural movies like Austin Powers. It’s not as funny outside of the movie and it hasn’t a thing to do with anything. God doesn’t like it either. God hates Austin Powers.”
“How do you know what God likes?” Adam interrogated.
“Remember when I said I had a special relationship with God?” Eve said.
“So? God has a special relationship with just about everbod-…” Adam said.
Eve smiled smugly at Adam.
“Just stop talking. Just. Please. Stop talking.” Adam said, applying his hand to his forehead. “There are just some things us guys really don’t need to know. Be mature.”
“You’re immature, I mean, you started it.” Eve said.
All of you – knock off the arguing, before I leave you here and go home. I’m getting pissed off. We should learn to love and accept each other for who we are and not confuse each other with concepts that one person considers foreign. We need to let people have their opinions, even if there is disagreement.” Jesus said.
“Jesus, you save people so much… and stop fistfights from breaking out in public. I love you.” Barbara said.
“Yes, I may as well be a Wal-Mart employee.” Jesus said.
Next, the group came across a man dressed up quite nicely… But if one were to take a look at him, they’d decidedly think he looked hideous. His hair could remind someone of a disgusting looking spider that they just wanted to squish. Really badly. Not only that, but if he was squished, a person would get disgusting spider guts all over themselves. He’s the type of guy you could just look at and instantly hate with a burning passion; a passion that Freud would consider remarkable for someone that a person supposedly did not approve of. Either way, this man was not fun to look at because this man would probably remind a person of all the things they can’t stand about themselves.
And the man spoke. “What did I do? Why am I here? What is this!?!”
“I’m Jesus, and you’re in Hell, my son. What’s your name? If you don’t tell me, I’m just going to call you Roz.” Jesus said.
“I implied that I knew I was here, but I don’t know why. Tell me why, please…!” The man said.
“I don’t know either, Roz.” Jesus said. 
“Don’t call me that. My name is Röz. Röz.”
	“Röz,” Jesus said, slightly mispronouncing the R. “Got it.”
	Röz sighed, resisting the urge to correct Jesus. “Most recent thing I know is that I was at a rally for feminists. Some men there came up to me and kicked my ass, eventually I guess I ended up here.”
	“What did you do?”
	“I did nothing that a man shouldn’t do. I never rallied against anyone’s rights, or so I thought. I was the only man participating in the rally. What I said was ‘Women are more than entitled to get an abortion if they are raped or their lives are in danger. They also should have a right to decide what goes in and out of their bodies, whether it be a carrot or a huge, bulging penis, when and if they do or don’t want to, and they should not be judged for it.’ As I was walking home, all of a sudden a bunch of men were all over me…beating me up. Finally, one did me in with a pistol, and next thing I knew, I ended up here.”
“Why would they do that? I feel as if men and women are my children, and I don’t see gender as a reason to punish someone.” Jesus asked.
“I’m not sure what their problem was. All I know is that they were telling me that I ‘have no right to imply that only men should be forced to give birth if they get pregnant and that it’s no one’s business if men would want to stick carrots up their assholes.’ While they’re right about that, they missed the point entirely. Then one of them shouted ‘Equal rights for all men! Men should be allowed to fuck carrots whenever they want to as well, and you can’t tell us otherwise!’ And things of that nature.” Röz said. “Either way, I don’t understand why they would tell me this if they were just planning on killing me regardless…”
“My dream is that we all have equal rights. But equal does not mean better. But no one should have any more rights to do what they want than anyone else.” Jesus said.
“Jesus, you’re missing the point! That’s what the men were trying to say, not me! I was trying to imply that everyone should have the same rights, but women are shamed for having sex or blamed for being raped! That should end!” Röz explained.
“Oops. My bad. I feel silly. Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” Jesus said. “You should just say what you mean instead of trying to confuse people.”
“What…?” Röz said.
“Well, you confused the shit out of me.” Jesus said.
“I guess we’re even then.” Röz said.
“Right.” Jesus said.

Chapter Seven
Opening Day Film Festival

Meanwhile in heaven, God wanted to watch a movie with Mary, one with lots of blood and violence. He picked out His favorite film from the stack. He had picked out Exodus.
During the course of Exodus, there was a decree that Hebrew boys must be slain at birth. As such, many Hebrew boys were put to death.
A woman with a young daughter became pregnant with a son. After the woman had her son, she tried to hide him for a few months in order to protect him. She tried every way of hiding him that she could; from stuffing him in her papyrus purse to dressing him up as a giant leaf and sticking him in a bush. Unfortunately, the baby’s mother had limited knowledge on how to hide a child, so she did what she thought many other concerned mothers would do in the situation: wrap her baby up and send him down the river in a papyrus basket. The woman’s daughter was scared for her brother’s life, so she followed as he went down the river, making sure that her baby brother did not drown.
Luckily, someone found the child. It was the pharaoh’s daughter. The pharaoh’s daughter unwrapped the baby, took him out of the basket, and instantly knew that the baby boy was not an Egyptian, but, instead, a Hebrew. Not just a Hebrew, but a Hebrew boy.
The baby boy cried its eyes out. You might cry too, if your mother and sister were so careless and didn’t think to flee the country before throwing you down a river, but the pharaoh’s daughter did not know any better than to think she may have mishandled the baby, and therefore, felt awful.
The pharaoh’s daughter saw a young girl, who happened to be the baby boy’s sister, and asked, “What should I do with this child? Please help, I need this child to be nursed back to health. I don’t know him, but he look so sweet…and I think it’s my fault that he’s crying… I’ll pay you to take care of this boy, if you can.” The pharaoh’s daughter said.
“Who are you? That’s my brother.” The baby boy’s sister said.
“I am the pharaoh’s daughter.” The pharaoh’s daughter said.
“Are you absolutely positive that I should take him? I mean, it’s decreed that Hebrew babies should be killed…by the Pharaoh – your father – no less...” The baby boy’s sister said.
“Yeah, sure. I will deal with my father. Go get this baby boy’s mother.” The pharaoh’s daughter said.
And so, the baby boy’s sister went to find her mother. She didn’t have to walk very far to find her mother, just sitting there, by the river. Her mother was still and crying.
“Mommy? I found baby brother. He’s safe, but we need you to help nurse him.” The baby boy’s sister said.
The mother stopped crying and said, “What a relief… I was starting to think that something bad had happened and sending him down the river for anyone to take him was a terrible mistake.”
The baby boy’s sister led her mother to the pharaoh’s daughter and the baby.
“I’m desperate to help this baby. I can do nothing for him now, though. Will you please nurse him for me? I will take care of him when he is older and make sure that he will be alright. Thing is, I’m very accident-prone with children…”
And so, the two parties agreed on this matter.
Sooner or later, the baby boy, named Moses by the pharaoh’s daughter, became the son of the pharaoh’s daughter. 
Many years later, Moses woke up in his bed, drenched in sweat. He realized something very important: He is a Hebrew. Moses also somehow knew that he had special powers, unlike any average person – he could recognize another person’s faith and instantly know where the other person was from just by looking at them. Moses ran out of bed, got dressed, and went outside in a hurry. He wasn’t sure why he was in such a hurry, but did once he got outside: He found an Israelite being beaten by an Egyptian. Thus, Moses killed the Egyptian and ran away as fast as he could. To Moses, killing the Egyptian, instead of helping the Israelite and the Egyptian overcome their differences and live happy and harmonious lives, seemed to be the most logical choice at the time.
When Moses came to realize the severity of what he’d done, he ran as fast as he possibly could. In retrospect Moses thought, “I probably should not have eaten that last leg of lamb,” as he struggled to reach even a nearby tree to hide.
God ignored that whole “thou shalt not kill” clause in His book, just this once, because the story was getting so cool.
Somehow, eventually, Moses got to Midian, and sooner or later, sometime, married the daughter of a priest and became a shepherd, because he wanted to make up for all the time he spent not eating lamb while he was running away.
One day, Moses woke up again to something burning outside of his house. It turned out to be a bush. It smelled gross, so Moses went outside to investigate, but first, brought a clothespin so he wouldn’t have to smell the stench that burning bushes give off.
“Almost as bad as the smell of a wet bush,” Moses said.
God was on the edge of His seat and pointed at the screen. “Mary, pay attention! It’s almost time for my cameo!!”
“Where are you? I don’t see you on the screen, God.” Mary said.
“I’m in that bush right there. That one bush that is burning.” God said. “That bush burning was an accident and I was trying to put it out, but I couldn’t. Moses didn’t see me do it, thankfully. Just watch.”
Moses investigated the burning bush.
God said, “Ahem! I am God. I command you to return the Israelites to Canaan, for that is the place you all should be!”
Am I losing my mind or is this God talking to me? I don’t know. Either way, I should probably do what that voice tells me, or else I feel like I will be abducted by aliens who will read my thoughts and all that stuff. Moses thought.
“That can be arranged…” God said.
“Okay, I’m really going crazy. I guess I should listen to the voice, then.” Moses said.
“What did you say? I can’t hear you! We can only communicate telepathically! I’m the one who speaks.”
Oops. Well, it’s nothing you need to worry about then, God... Moses thought.
“Thank goodness I can get some privacy by speaking, though…” Moses said. “I have to admit, I really like premarital sex and doing it with protection.”
“You have to go back to Egypt,” God said. “Please rescue the Israelites and have them accept you as their leader en route back to Canaan.”
But I’m afraid, Moses thought. What if they don’t like me?
“Be quiet and take this staff.” God said. “It doesn’t matter if they don’t like you. You have a really cool staff and you can threaten people with it. Not to mention cool stuff happens when you use it.”
Okay… Moses thought.
“Another thing.” God said. “Take your brother Aaron with you.”
I have a brother? Moses thought.
“Yes.” God said.
Huh. Moses thought. Oh. Is Aaron a metaphor for courage?
“Whatever, just…the both of you go,” God said.
Then suddenly, a man appeared next to Moses. He introduced himself as Aaron. The two shook hands.
Ooooh. Moses thought. OK, whatever. I’m off.
“I wish I had a camel for this...” Moses said. “It’s going to be a very long journey back to Israel and then to Canaan, especially without sex…”
“Sorry, can’t hear you. You have to think about what you want to say instead of just saying it...” God said.
And then Moses went off, walking all the way back to Egypt. The Pharaoh gathered some of the Israeli people in attempt to bully Pharaoh out of having slaves.
“Ok… Well, what am I supposed to say? I’m Moses.” Moses said.
Pharaoh went into a bout of hysterical laughter.
“Oh…I think I’m supposed to say, ‘Let my people go!’” Moses said.
“Make me!” Pharaoh said.
“I’ll torture you if you don’t! Or should I say, God will!” Moses said. “Right, God???”
No response from God. In retrospect, he realizes he should have thought about what he wanted to say.
Okay…I will torture Pharaoh, with my super powers… Moses thought.
Pharaoh just continued to laugh.
“Thanks for volunteering!” God said, telepathically.
“There, hopefully he reads my thoughts.” Moses said aloud.
At this point, Pharaoh could not contain himself. He laughed so hard that he could barely breathe. Moses had to do something. If Pharaoh died from laughing too hard, the story wouldn’t work out the way it was supposed to. He had to find a way to get Pharaoh to stop laughing.
“Stop it, stop it, I can’t take it anymore!” Pharaoh said, in a fit of laughter.
I know how I should kill this guy’s fit of laughter... Moses thought.
“Oh y-yeah! Stop me if you heard this one before! …Th-that’s…what she said!” Moses said.
Suddenly, Pharaoh stopped laughing and grew visibly annoyed.
“Get out of here!” Pharaoh said. “Leave before I kill you. Now, there is no way I will free anyone! Ha ha ha! In fact, just because I’m an asshole, I’m going to make everyone work twice as harder on principle!”
“You’ll let my people go yet, Pharaoh…!” Moses said, with a trembling voice; a poor attempt to sound threatening.
And so, Moses left, just shrugging. In the back of Moses’ mind, he knew what he was going to do to Pharaoh. 
Hey, READER. Don’t think like that, are you a perverted creep or something!? He was just going to curse Pharaoh with ten different plagues, with God’s help… Not necessarily anything dirty or sexual or anything of that nature should be automatically expected. I hope you at least had some sort of standard for this book that not everything would be about sex. Not…everything.
Moses waved his staff around in a circular motion, almost as if he were a cook stirring up plague soup, foreshadowing many disastrous events upon the Egyptian army.
First, the plague of blood. You probably don’t want to know how this affected Pharaoh’s sex life. But since the writer feels you should, you will learn. Just know that Pharaoh was not turned on in any way by the results; frogs were everywhere and it was hard to get it up with the distraction of “ribbit, ribbit.” Pharaoh’s lover would complain about a headache.
As for the next plague… All the dust turned into gnats, and the slave housemaids all got fired because there was nothing left to clean. All in all a good day for the slave housemaids.
The third plague brought treachery upon the land. Lots of animals got killed. And Pharaoh was having a temper tantrum.
“Damn it! I have a boil on my face!” Pharaoh said.
“But, Pharaoh, the animals…” Pharaoh’s lover said.
“Forget about the animals! Figure out how to get rid my boil!” Pharaoh said.
“But the animals are our only food sup—” Pharaoh’s lover was interrupted.
“NOW!” Pharaoh said, cutting his lover off.
“But Pharaoh, your slaves are dyi—” Pharaoh’s lover said.
“NO. MORE. Find out what’s creating these problems and put a stop to it! Immediately!” Pharaoh said.
“It couldn’t be that man that stepped up to you at your royal throne, could it…?” Pharaoh’s lover asked.
“STOP SPECULATING, WOMAN, AND FIGURE IT OUT!!” Pharaoh yelled.
“Okay. I’ve ‘figured it out,’ Pharaoh. It was that one man that came to your throne… Moses.” Pharaoh’s lover said. “He’s causing all of this. There were even several incidents of fires.”
“It must be a coincidence that all of this is happening. I will still not let his people go!” Pharaoh exclaimed.
“Well, Moses also came up to me and said it was entirely his doing.” Pharaoh’s lover said.
“I don’t know why I never just killed him while I still had the chance…” Pharaoh said.
“Yeah, you really should have. Now he’s probably going to punish us some more.” Pharaoh’s lover said.
Not much later, the next plague occurred. A swarm of locusts covered everything. The locusts shrouded Pharaoh’s vision to the point that he was almost blinded. It left permanent vision damage. Somehow, it’s like the darkness could be “felt.” Whatever that is supposed to mean. Who really knows…? 
God was running out of ideas quickly, so he did something that was inspired by many super villains in movies. He blocked off the sun and made everything go dark. God also warned Moses about part two of this plague; the slaying of the firstborn male child in each family. God also told Moses to make sure all of the Israelites’ doors were covered with the blood of an innocent lamb, because the Angel of Death was coming to take the first born of those who did not have lamb blood on their doors, and soon.
And so, Moses had slain some innocent lambs, drained their blood, and put it all into a bucket. He began to finger paint “HE IS DA ALMIGHTY RUELER OF DA PEAPEL” on all of the Israelites’ doors. Some of Israelites were deeply offended by the fact that Moses was promoting graffiti, but more offended by the fact that he was doing it poorly and with terrible spelling. They didn’t understand his cause. Many of the Israelites were angry, and just threw some water at their door, gave Moses the Jersey salute, and went back to sleep. Some of the Israelites helped Moses by critiquing his spelling. Subsequently, the next day, the people who refused Moses’ help paid the price. God made no exceptions in his slayings, except when Moses forgot to fix up his house at the last minute. God was being nice to Moses.
Pharaoh awoke the next morning, finding his first born child dead in the child’s bed. There was nothing Pharaoh could do to revive his child.
Moses came up to Pharaoh and spoke once again.
“Will you, um…let my people go? I can, of course, revive your child if you wish, in return for freeing your slaves…” Moses asked.
“Yes, fine, I will let your people go, JUST REVIVE MY SON ALREADY!!!” Pharaoh shouted.
Pharoah’s son was soon revived, and Moses began to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt.

Chapter Eight
Turn Around, Bright Eyes

Guided by the faith-based assumption – well, you see, God never believed in giving explicit directions – that the crew was going in the right direction, Moses assured everyone that he knew the route, though only God knew that Moses was lying. The only reason that Moses even had a planned route was because there was a specific grouping of clouds that happened to gather in the distance during the mornings.
Each evening, the crew set at least one fire. Whichever way the smoke would blow, the group would follow. Occasionally the group would forget the direction they were supposed to go, and therefore, they would have to set another fire. They would follow what the fire said, regardless of how contradictory it was to the original directions, the directions that some people shouted – which, by the way, that part of the group had great memory. Additionally, if it was a direction that the group inexplicably did not like, they would avoid it. Even if it was an obvious sign that these people were near their desired destination, they would avoid going in that direction. Moses somehow managed to keep the peace during the course of grueling journey, though everyone blamed him for getting them lost; even though Moses wanted to take a different route than the Israelites made him take.
By now, everyone was extra angry because they had not eaten in a while.
I really wish I had some food to give these people so that they won’t kill me, Moses thought. I don’t have the heart to tell them I have eaten the last of the potatoes.
God heard Moses’ plea. Soon, some food stuffs rained down from the sky. Rain in these conditions? Could only be a miracle!
“You all should enjoy this food…” God said. “Or else.”
The Israelites put away their hunting knives to enjoy their food, as they were forced to do.
Not much later, the Hebrew people were suddenly attacked by the Amalekites. Moses had a habit of raising his arms pretty often, and the Hebrews took it as a cue to attack whenever he did. They didn’t have much to go off, really, since Moses was terribly shy and bad at giving commands. It worked for the Hebrews, though, because they ended up surviving just fine.
This was likely the origin of the childhood game, “Red Light, Green Light” in essence, minus the many dying horribly business.
Back in Egypt, Pharaoh would soon realize that he would deeply regret the decision to let the slaves go free. Pharaoh’s son was pretty much incapable of handling all the work that the slaves were able to do, and even pulling a single ton of sand was enough to pull a muscle in Pharaoh’s son’s back.
And so, Pharaoh and the Egyptian army gave chase to Moses and the fleeing Israelites.
The crew noticed some figures in the distance as they were on the way.
Moses knew that everyone was accounted for. Who on earth could be coming in the distance? Oh. It was Pharaoh. Damn it.
With Pharaoh and the Egyptian army heavy on their tails, Moses and the Israelites ended up meeting with a dead end by a roaring sea. Everyone angrily cursed Moses out. There seemed to be no way to escape, especially for Moses.
So, Moses rubbed his chin and thought, God, I hope you can find me a way out of this. Some of these people are pulling knives out of their pockets and are walking towards me with said knives...
And then, someone actually almost cut entirely through Moses’ thick robe with their knife.
And so Moses raised his arms and said, “HOLD IT! … I have an idea!”
Moses turned around, arms still outstretched, faced the sea, and suddenly, miraculously, it parted! It almost seemed like one of those Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! gags, except it was real. Still, there were some skeptics.
Thank you, God… Moses thought.
“You’re welcome.” God said. “Now, hurry. I just had some guy push the crossing light’s button on the other side of the ocean, and it will only last for another few minutes.”
And so, Moses and the Israelites crossed the ocean as fast as they could.
Just as the Israelites got to the other side and the Egyptians got half way through the ocean, the timer on the crossing light went out. Thus, Pharaoh began to drown. In Pharaoh’s last moments, Pharaoh regretted not funding swimming lessons for himself. Pharaoh didn’t think swimming lessons could come in handy for a desert-dweller.
Some time passed, and Moses and the Israelites reached a rather ominous mountain. Moses climbed the mountain, and as soon as he got to the top, God spoke to him again.
“Moses, these are the Ten Commandments.” God said, holding up two stone tablets. “Please read them carefully aloud to everyone here. Make sure to read them and think them aloud, with great emphasis on each individual commandment. All must obey these Commandments.”
“The first one says,” Moses began, then emphasizing, “’I am the Lord thy God!’”
“How dare you, Moses, using my name in vain! Doing so even literally! See The Fourth Commandment!” God said.
“I hate it when people use the word ‘literally’ incorrectly.” Moses said. “Besides, we haven’t even gotten to the Second Commandment yet! Please do not interject.”
“I should make a ‘Do not correct Me’ amendment.” God said. “I guess it’s too late now, there’s no more room on these stone tabl—”
“If you want me to finish, let me finish! You’re getting way ahead of yourself, God…” Moses said.
“Go on.” God said.
“The next one says, ‘Thou shalt have no other gods.’” Moses read.
A rainbow-haired Israelite thought, I have my own personal God. He approves of my actions. I can do whatever I want and rock this really cool hairstyle and my God approves of it. I just can’t break my own Code of Conduct that my God set forth and I’m all good!
“I know everything you currently do and everything you’ve ever done, and I have never once disapproved of it. If it’s not against the Ten Commandments, then it is not directly against My Word.” God said to the rainbow-haired Israelite. “Unless, of course, I come down and say it is wrong. Just know I can contradict, alter, or correct anything that I have said! Why not just follow Me instead of your God?”
How did God hear what I was thinking? The rainbow-haired Israelite thought. Well, you see, I don’t do it because I’m an edgy atheist who thinks they’re better than everyone else. I actually just do it because I don’t believe in the typical God that everyone else does, I was bored one day and I smoked a joint and I thought it was pretty cool then, so I think it’s pretty cool now.
“Sounds like you just feel like taking My Name in vain.” God said. “Like I said, that is a no-no. Don’t do it.”
“Why don’t You just read the next commandments, God?” Moses asked. “Seems like you feel more confident about them than I do. I don’t know why you asked me to read these.”
“Fine,” God said. “There shall be absolutely no false idols. Meaning, if you paint any depictions of Me and worship the image you see, then you’re going to Hell. Also, since you haven’t seen me, you can’t paint any pictures of what you think I look like, because I won’t know the difference.”
An Israelite began to fall into deep thought. Hmm. I wonder if that means I cannot keep this one hundred dollar bill with ‘In God We Trust’ on it, and a picture of God shaking hands with an atheist on it…
“Emphatically no, if you plan to worship it,” God said. “You may only worship Me.”
“The fifth commandment is to remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy.” Moses said.
I don’t remember him saying anything about the Fourth Commandment. One Israelite thought. Now that he’s mentioned Sabbath, I kind of want to skip listening to God and play one of Ozzy Osbourne’s songs.
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that! Keep things holy!” God said.
Fiiiine. I’ll save Black Sabbath for another day. The Israelite thought.
“Honor thy Father and thy Mother. This means don’t piss me or Mary off, or you will have a problem with Me.” God said.
What about our parents? One Israelite thought. I feel like our parents should be respected.
“Sure, why not.” God said. “Another commandment: Honor thy mother and father. That is, your birth parents.”
One of the Israelite parents sighed in relief.
 	“The next commandment is ‘Thou shalt not kill.’” Moses said.
	God remained silent.
	“‘Thou shalt not kill’… It applies to all men and women.”
	God sighed, and as he did, it was consequently strong enough to knock some Israelites on their backs, and sent some tumbling off cliffs so far up that you could barely see the ground beneath it.
	“That I can safely say didn’t happen, it was just an editing error.” God said. “I really need to fire somebody.”
	“The next commandment is, ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery.’” Moses said.
	Mary then nervously spoke to God as the tape was playing. “God, why would you need to create a commandment like this? It leads me to feel a bit suspicious as to why you would create a commandment like this. I mean really. This bothers me that you need to create a commandment like this. Wouldn’t it be common sense, I mean, really, do you need to punish people to the point you threaten them with death if they don’t obey? I mean come on...” 
	“Y-you’re right. I-I’m…going to fast forward through the next parts. They’re…boring, anyway...” God said.
	Mary just sat there with her mouth agape.
	They fast-forwarded through the next two commandments: “Thou shalt not steal” and “Thou shalt not bear false witness” – however, Mary suddenly wanted to see how things ended, so she asked God to play the rest of the tape.
	The commandment they found themselves at next was, “Thou shalt not covet.”
	Without a moment’s notice, Mary said, “On second thought…”
	God took the cue to hastily grab the remote and hit the fast forward button.
	“Uh… How about we watch the next video, Mary?” God asked.
	“Y-yes…” Mary said, as God scrambled for the next tape, labeled “Leviticus,” and popped it into the VCR.
“So, God, what are we watching now?” Mary asked.
	“Shush. It’s called ‘Leviticus,’ and, well, just watch, damn it…” God said.
	“Wait, God! We skipped over the part with the idol-worshipping! I somewhat remember that from last time you made me watch this with you...” Mary said.
	“Oh, that? It’s nothing special… The Israelites and I simply made an agreement that we’d just erect a giant dick in the sand and say it’s Me. Get it? …Erect?! Me!?!” God said, slapping his knee and laughing like a maniac.
	“…And in the sand.” Mary said, rolling her eyes. “I get it...”
	“Quiet!” God said.

Chapter Nine
Father, Tell Me a Bedtime Story

The freed slaves were now in their tents at Mount Sinai. Everyone was tucked in to sleep, except for Moses. Moses was in his tent, deep in thought, writing in his journal. It’s always been one of Moses’ greatest aspirations to be a journalist, but he never found the time to actually write anything. Beggars couldn’t be choosers, in his line of work, though. He was happy with what he could get, and the fact that he could get his innermost thoughts published in a best-seller motivated him. 
Dear diary, Moses began to write. I miss my wife’s glorious vagina... vagina vagina vagina. The end. PS: Giant inventions and more sex. “What are inventions but things that humans fuck, and fuck humans in return,” a philosopher might ask…
Eventually, Moses would be hailed as one of the most intelligent writers of all time – his writings would become timeless classics, but he would have the sinking feeling that most others have not read his books. Though Moses had no idea what he was referring to when he thought up the word “invention,” the whole concept just came to him suddenly and he ran with it. 
Moses wanted to add a bit of plot to the story, so he decided to simply make sure that this was only the beginning. He would begin to account for what was actually going on in the real world at some point.
Before Moses knew it, he realized the sun was up. And he had to make it to…a ceremony? Oh no! Moses was so absorbed in his writings that it must have slipped his mind.
So, Moses put everything away and ran off in a hurry, off to the Tent of Meeting.
Embarrassingly, everyone was already there, but Moses was not condemned for being late.
God made his appearance by the altar; he had set it on fire to make sure that the people acknowledged that He was present.
“Attention!” God said.
The people continued to chatter.
“God said ‘Attention!’ God needs your attention.” Moses said.
The people still did not stop going on about their opinions.
These people were summoned here and completely disregarded the reason why… God help me. Moses thought. I need some way to keep their attention.
“Well, I didn’t prepare for that…oops. My bad…” God said.
Well, what do we do now?! Moses thought.
“I know. I’ll kill the people that were supposed to do the preparations for me.” God said.
	And then, two of Aaron’s sons were violently killed.
Yaaay!! The people thought in unison. VIOLENCE! … Who did that?
“They’re still not believing I’m the one whose here…” God said. “Fix it! Please…”
Alright, God, I’ll think of something. Moses thought.
Suddenly, an idea popped into Moses’ mind.
Moses took off his robe and began doing a strange dance.
What the fuck is he doing? Everyone thought in unison. This awkward gesture is confusing!
“Sorry everyone. God told me to get your attention. Now, focus your eyes towards the altar, where God is.” Moses said.
Everyone did as they were told.
“I will now go on a dissertation about forbidden sexual behaviors.” God said.
A villager raised their hand.
“Yes?” God replied. “What is it?”
Do we have to buy your book if we listen to Your holy lesson? The villager thought. It’s pretty long, expensive, and most of us wouldn’t be caught dead quoting more than one passage over and over.
“No. My Word shall not be misconstrued or changed based on what a mortal writes into a book. You are to listen to My Word, here and now, and never question anything that you have heard from me.” God said.
Thank You, I would have had to sell my first born child to afford that book… The same villager thought. If I still had one to sell.
	Everyone sat in silence for a moment.
	“You may not have sex with cougars. You may not fuck a beaver, or a pussy, or the like. And you definitely cannot do it doggy style! Trust me! I’m watching! And I have you all on tape so don’t think that you can get away with fucking anything but a human being!” God said. “Also, don’t sodomize. You know what sodomizing is, I don’t need to tell you.”
	Why are you taping us? Moses thought. I thought you could see all of us, no matter what, anyway, so what’s the point of that?
	God paused for a moment, then spoke. “What are you? A heretic? Stop it with the ridiculous questions! If you want all the answers, you’ll have to buy the book.”
	With what money? I’ve been waiting for You to bestow enough money on us to buy the basic essentials! Another villager said.
	“The next person to ask another ridiculous question will be smitten. Understood?” God said.

To be continued…